


Keep Breathing

by fuckphil



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fighting, Fluff and Angst, Fluffy Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Hatred, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-07
Updated: 2015-08-07
Packaged: 2018-04-13 11:39:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4520526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuckphil/pseuds/fuckphil
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil has social anxiety.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Keep Breathing

From the moment he woke up he knew that something was wrong. The feeling in the pit of his stomach that was twisting and burning. The voices in the back of his head that were screaming. The erratic sound of his heart beat that was hammering in his ears. It was all wrong. The moment he stepped out of bed he wanted nothing more than to crawl back under his covers and sleep for the next 3 years. As he stood his body was visibly shaking and he was overcome with a strong urge to vomit. But despite his uneasiness he managed to stumble out of the comfort of his room and out towards the bathroom.

Days like this were the worst. Where his anxiety was at its peak and even the thought of doing the most mundane activities made him feel sick to his stomach. Phil was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder when he was still a teenager. He had always been quite an introverted child stricken with such an intense fear of other people so it came as no surprise to anyone. However despite his situation Phil still managed to carry on like any normal person would. Things would get easier sometimes and there were days where he could pipe up in conversations and smile at people as they passed him on the tube. There were days where fear wouldn't rush through his bones when he was approached by a fan on the street.

There were days when Phil could feel normal.

But today was not one of those days. Lately there had been a drastic fall in Phil’s behavior that he really couldn't explain. It had gotten harder to speak out, make videos, or even leave his flat. He felt numb. He felt terrified. And he had no good reason for it. He could feel guilt arise in his chest as he thought about it. He had no right to feel this way. He had responsibilities. There was no excuse for him to act so powerless.

But he just couldn't pull himself out.

He pushed open the bathroom door and walked straight up to the mirror to study his red rimmed eyes behind the glasses that rested upon the bridge of his nose. His hair was ruffled and stuck up in all kinds of odd directions. There was a light shadow trailing from his chin and down to his neck as he hadn't found the motivation to shave for days. He looked like a wreck and he could feel a lump in the back of his throat as he suppressed the urge to cry. He could feel the tears pooling behind his eyes but he couldn't let them fall. It wasn't okay to cry. It wasn't okay to feel. He had to be strong and he had to be happy. He had to be because that’s how everyone else perceived him. Only those closest to Phil knew about this side of him but they barely saw it. Phil was ashamed of his disorder and would be damned if he’d let anyone witness it. To the world Phil Lester was a happy-go-lucky 27 year old man child who lived without a care so that’s the person he would be.

After he had finished in the bathroom he wandered out into the lounge to see his boyfriend, Dan, sat back on their sofa with a computer resting on his lap. He barely acknowledged Phil as he entered the room and sat across from him. Phil wasn't sure what it was but his relationship with his boyfriend was quite strained as of late. Dan had started to distance himself from Phil, always working and having more important things to do than to spend time with him. Phil feared that Dan no longer wanted to be with him. Of course he wouldn't Phil was weak and useless. He was meant to be strong and confident like Dan was all the time. Not this pitiful excuse.

Dan looked up from his computer for a moment, “Remember we have to go into town today. We’re supposed to have lunch a few of our friends in an hour so get ready.” Dan’s tone was flat and uncaring even after seeing Phil, visibly shaken, he didn't seem at all fazed by it.

“D-Dan, I-I don’t know if I can-…” He cut himself off not sure of what he could say. Dan knew about his anxiety so it wasn't as if it was this huge secret but he didn't want to come off as ridiculous in front of the younger boy. He didn't want him to think lesser of him and call him out for being stupid. He knew he shouldn't think like this. After all Dan was not only his boyfriend but his best friend and had always been nothing but supportive towards him. But these last few weeks had left him to question it all. He knew Dan loved him but he didn't even seem to notice Phil’s current situation so it was probably best that Phil didn't say anything at all.

“Don’t think you can what, Phil?” Dan responded in an bleak tone without looking up from his screen.

“Nothing” Phil whispered as he stood shakily, “It’s nothing.” With that he left to his bedroom to get ready.

~~~~~

The tube journey was hell. There were people bumping into him, touching him, and staring at him. Phil felt as if he were suffocating. He wanted to grab Dan’s hand for comfort. For some reassurance that he was safe. But he knew that the brunet would only pull away and spout some bullshit about being spotted by a fan so it was useless to even try. He tried the breathing techniques that he had been taught to handle situations like these but they barely helped.

All he could do was try to brave the day as best as he could.

~~~~~~

When the arrived at lunch Phil’s skin was practically crawling. Their friends had greeted Phil with kind voices and warm, friendly touches but anytime they came near him he wanted to scream out. ‘Don’t touch me!’ His mind would holler ‘Please don’t touch me.’ He was too cold. He shied away from warm pats to the shoulder and friendly hugs. He stayed quiet and barely uttered a word to anyone. His friends were suspicious and Dan kept sending him warning looks.

Phil felt like a piece of shit.

As they sat down to eat Dan kept shooting Phil glares and all he wanted to do was crawl into a hole. He wasn't even sure what he was doing to make Dan so upset but Phil knew it was probably his fault.

Phil was such a dickhead.

He couldn't even order food without an awful stutter that made everyone at the table stare at him with questioning looks. Louise had tried to set a comforting hand on his shoulder and ask him what was wrong but he flinched away.

He was ruining everything.

But despite Phil’s behavior the rest of lunch carried on well for the rest of his friends as everyone had chosen to ignore the situation at hand and for that Phil was grateful. And as he sat there in silence picking at his food and watching his friends enjoy themselves he couldn't help but think how better off they’d all be if he just wasn't there at all.

~~~~~~~~~

When lunch had finished and they were on the tube journey back home Dan was practically fuming. Phil wasn't exactly sure why seeing as Dan seemed to enjoy himself while they were at lunch but he knew he was probably to blame.

Phil watched Dan wearily as they stood awkwardly next to each other and tried his best not to freak out anytime someone bumped into him or looked at him for too long. He didn't want to upset Dan more than he already had.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When they arrived home Dan was silent for a while. He unlocked the door without a word and once it was open Phil followed him inside but as it shut behind them Dan turned to Phil with an angry expression plastered across his face.

“What the hell was that?” He hissed.

“W-what?” Phil stuttered out in a small voice.

“What. The. Hell. Was. That.” He enunciated in a bitter tone, “At lunch. With our friends. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why were you acting so rude in front of everyone? It was so embarrassing, Phil.”

“I-I’m s-s-sorry” Phil barely managed to get out. That only seemed to make Dan angrier.

“Oh, you’re sorry are you?” He raised his voice, “Well that doesn't excuse the way you were acting, Phil!” Phil couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe. Dan was yelling and Phil was drowning. His heart beat was hammering hard now and all he could think was, ‘Oh god, please not now.’

“You were so rude to everyone! Do you have any idea how that made me look?” Dan shouted, “You were ignoring everyone and acting like such a dick! Why do you always have to embarrass me?”

Dan continued to yell and Phil couldn't even understand him anymore. His words were muffled by the sound of his heartbeat. Phil wanted to scream and tell Dan to stop but he couldn't find his voice. He wanted to move but his body was frozen to his spot. It was too much. It was too much. It was too much.

‘I can’t breathe.’ ‘I can’t breathe.’ ‘I can’t breathe.’

“Phil?” He heard a soft voice but he could barely make it out, “Phil are you okay?” He shook his head frantically. His breaths were coming out rushed and panicked now and Phil was pretty sure he was going to die.

Phil felt two hands on his shoulders pushing him down gently onto the floor and Phil wanted to scream because he didn't want anyone touching him.

“Phil, Phil listen to me,” A soft, calming voice was heard above his panic, “Phil please, please come on breathe with me now. It’s okay, Phil. You can breathe. You’re okay. You’ll be okay.” Tears were falling fast and Phil wasn't exactly sure when they had started but now all he could focus on was his fear.

“Phil, come on please,” Dan pleaded, “Breathe. Please, it’s okay. You’re safe and you can breathe. Breathe in and out with me, okay?” Phil reached out blindly and grabbed onto Dan’s shoulder and desperately tried to focus on the sound of his breaths.

“Yeah, that’s it” Dan whispered, “There you go. Just breathe with me. In and out, okay? You can do it. You’re okay. You’re doing so well, Phil.” Phil’s vision started to clear as his breathing slowed down slightly. He looked up to find Dan watching him intently with a panicked look in his eyes.

“I-I’m” Phil coughed, “I-I’m s-sorry.”

“Phil what are you even saying?” Dan asked him, “Don’t apologize. Please don’t apologize. Fuck.” He pulled Phil forward and held him close to his chest keeping his arms placed firmly on Phil’s back.

They sat there in silence for what felt like hours. The only sound was that of Phil’s breathing slowly coming back to normal and small sniffles. After a while Phil had managed the strength to push away from Dan. He was okay or as okay as you could be after experiencing a panic attack. Now all he could think about was how utterly exhausted he was.

“Are you okay?” Dan asked him.

“Yeah,” Phil whispered back in a small voice, “Yeah, I’m okay.”

“Fuck, Phil I’m so sorry” Dan said to him and pulled him down into another hug.

“What are you talking about?” He asked.

“I’m such an asshole I-” He paused, “God Phil I had no idea I just. I just made you have a goddamn panic attack for fuck’s sake I’m such a dick.”

“Dan-”

“I can’t believe I did that” He continued, “I just, if I would have known and I mean, I should have known. Shit, this is all my fault I-”

“Dan” Phil choked out with more force, “Please stop talking.”

“I’m sorry” Dan whispered as a couple of tears made their way down his cheek.

“It’s n-not your fault, Dan” Phil told him, “I-It was mine. I shouldn't have m-made you so angry. I’m sorry.”

“Phil. No.” Dan said, “Please no. Please don’t blame yourself. Please.” Dan held onto Phil a bit tighter and they were silent for a few minutes before Dan spoke again.

“It was your anxiety today, wasn't it?” Dan asked him, “That’s why you were acting so off.” Phil only nodded.

“Shit, I should have known,” Dan said, “I shouldn't have said any of that to you. I've just been so goddamn stressed lately and you were just acting so off and it was making me so angry but that doesn't excuse any of this. Today must have been hell for you, Phil. I’m so sorry.”

“S’okay.” Phil murmured in response.

“It’s not okay, though” Dan pulled away from Phil slightly, “I was such an asshole, Phil. I’m really sorry.”

“Dan, it’s okay, really” Phil told him, “And as much as I absolutely love having these post-panic attack conversations with you with us both sobbing on the ground next to our front door I would much rather just go to sleep. I just…I feel quite shit to be honest and I understand if you don’t want to come lie down with me but I really-”

“Let’s go lie down” Dan responded, “I think we could both use some rest.” Dan stood up and held his hand out to Phil and Phil smiled gratefully at the gesture. He was still incredibly shaky as he stood and walked hand-in-hand to his bedroom with Dan but he was just incredibly thankful to be home.

And as he laid down in bed slowly drifting off to sleep with his boyfriend placed securely in his arms he finally started to feel safe again.


End file.
